Just then a cop come down the street crazy as a loon
And throws us all in jail for carryin' harpoons

Aw, me, I busted out, don't even ask me how
I went to get some help, I walked by a Guernsey cow
Who directed me down to the Bowery slums
Where people carried signs around sayin' 'Ban the bums'
I jumped right in line, sayin', "I hope that I'm not late"
When I realized I hadn't eaten for five days straight

I went into a restaurant lookin' for the cook
I told him I was the editor of a famous etiquette book
The waitress he was handsome, he wore a powder blue cape
I ordered up some suzette, I said, "Could you please make that crepe?"
Just then the whole kitchen exploded from boiling fat
Food was flyin' everywhere, I left without my hat

Now I didn't mean to be nosey but I went into a bank
To get some bail for Arab and all the boys back in the tank
They asked me for some collateral and I pulled down my pants
They threw me in the alley, when up comes this girl from France
Who invited me to her house, I went, but she had a friend
Who knocked me out an' robbed my boots an' was I on the street again

Well I arrived upon a house with a U.S. flag upon display
I said, "Could you help me out? I got some friends down the way"
The man says, "Get out of here, I'll tear you limb from limb"
I said "You know, they refused Jesus, too." He said "You're not him
Get out of here before I break your bones, I ain't your pop"
I decided to have him arrested and I went looking for a cop

I ran right outside and hopped inside a cab
I went out the other door, this English man said "Fab!"
As he saw me leap a hotdog stand and a chariot that stood
Parked across from a building advertising brotherhood
I ran right through the front door like a hobo sailor does
But it was just a funeral parlor and the man asked me who I was

I repeated that my friends were all in jail, with a sigh
He gave me his card, he said, "Call me if they die"
I shook his hand and said goodbye, ran out to the street
When a bowling ball came down the road and knocked me off my feet
A pay phone was ringin' and it just about blew my mind
When I picked it up an' said "Hello", this foot came through the line

Well about this time I was fed up at trying to make a stab
At bringin' back any help for my friends and Captain Arab
I decided to flip a coin, like either heads or tails
Would let me know if I should go back to ship or back to jail
So I hocked my sailor's suit an' I got a coin to flip
It came up tails, it rhymed with sails, so I made it back to the ship

Well I got back and took the parking ticket off the mast
I was ripping it to shreds when this Coast Guard boat went past
They asked me my name and I said, "Captain Kidd"
They believed me but they wanted to know exactly that I did
I said, "For the Pope of Eyruke I was employed"
They let me go right away, they were very paranoid

Well the last I heard of Arab he was stuck on the whale
That was married to the Deputy Sheriff of the jail
But the funniest thing was when I was leavin' the bay
I saw three ships sailing, they were all heading my way
So I asked the Captain what his name was
An' how come he didn't drive a truck?
He said his name was Columbus an' I just said, "Good luck"