Gosh, it disturbs me to see you Gaston
Looking so down in the dumps
Every guy here'd like to be you, Gaston
Even when taking your lumps
There's no man in town as admired as you
You're everyone's favorite guy
Everyone's awed and inspired by you
And it's not very hard to see why

No one's slick as Gaston
No one's quick as Gaston
No one's neck's as incredibly thick as Gaston's
For there's no man in town half as manly
Perfect, a pure paragon!
You can ask any Tom, Dick, or Stanley
And they'll tell you whose team they prefer to be on

No one's been like Gaston
A kingpin like Gaston
No one's got a swell cleft in his chin like Gaston
As a specimen, yes, I'm intimidating!
My, what a guy, that Gaston!

Give five, "Hurrahs!"
Give twelve, "Hip hips!"
Gaston is the best and the rest is all drips

No one fights like Gaston
Douses lights like Gaston
In a wrestling match nobody bites like Gaston
For there's no one as burly and brawny
As you see I've got biceps to spare
Not a bit of him scraggly or scrawny
That's right!
And every last inch of me's covered with hair

No one hits like Gaston
Matches wits like Gaston
In a spitting match nobody spits like Gaston
I'm especially good at expectorating!
Ten points for Gaston!

When I was a lad I ate four dozen eggs
Every morning to help me get large
And now that I'm grown I eat five dozen eggs
So I'm roughly the size of a barge!

My, what a guy, that Gaston!

Hold
Girls, girls, girls, please
There's plenty for all
Oh yeah

[Incomprehensible]

No one shoots like Gaston
Makes those beauts like Gaston
Then goes tromping around wearing boots like Gaston
I use antlers in all of my decorating!
My, what a guy, Gaston!