According to plan
Our son will be married
According to plan
Our family carried
Elevated to the heights of society

To the costume balls
In the hallowed halls
Rubbing elbows with the finest
And having crumpets with her highness
We'll be there, we'll be seen
Having tea with the queen
Forget everything
That we've ever, ever been

It's a terrible day
Now don't be that way
It's a terrible day for a wedding
It's a sad, sad state of affairs we're in
That has led to this ominous wedding
How could our family have come to this?
To marry off our daughter to the nouveau riche
Their so common
So coarse
Oh it couldn't be worse
Couldn't be worse? I'm afraid I disagree
They could be land rich, bankrupt, aristocracy
Without a penny to their name
Just like you, and me
Oh dear

And that's why everything
Every last little thing
Every single tiny microscopic little thing must go

According to plan
Our daughter will wed
According to plan
Our family led
From the depths of deepest poverty
To the noble realm
Of our ancestors
And who'd have guessed in a million years?
That our daughter with a face
Of an otter in disgrace
Would provide our tickets to a rightful place

Marriage is a partnership
A little tit for tat
You'd think a lifetime watching us
Might have taught her that
Might have taught her that

Everything must be perfect
Everything must be perfect
Everything must be perfect perfect
That's why everything
Every last little thing
Every single tiny microscopic little thing must go